The best day of our campaign yet, IF THIS WERE OPPOSITE DAY

Well our stunt political heroism has been a total fucking disaster hasn’t it?

Here’s a quick recap:

The economy? Still fucked.

We are being summarily blasted by every columnist and newspaper in the country:

But McCain’s boisterous intervention — and particularly his grandstanding on the debate — was less a presidential act than the tactical ploy of a man worried that his chances of becoming president might be slipping away.

(Slipping away is better than I would’ve put it.)

McCain’s action was a diversionary tactic and a rather crass one at that. He was not one of the key Senate negotiators needed to hammer out a congressional deal on the bailout. He could vote up-or-down on the bill and still debate.

(So what you’re saying is chewing gum is chewable while walking?)

But as many Great Men come to learn, there is a colossal downside built into running a campaign on outsized personal virtue. The line between stoic, honorable service and showy moral vanity is oftentimes difficult to maintain.  And when a candidate confuses his own political ambitions with the fortunes of his country, that’s when Great Men turn into self-parodies.

(What does that make Sarah? A parody of a parody?)

Ultimatums are delivered to defenseless foes, not to vital opponents.  They are a form of intimidation intended to trigger subservience.  That is why McCain now risks looking like a duplicitous bully with little interest in bipartisan cooperation, even though he has spent a lifetime cultivating the opposite image.

(People don’t think he’s a maverick anymore? Whaaaaa?)

Even for a party whose president suffers dismal approval ratings, whose legislative wing lost control of Congress and whose presidential nominee trails in the polls, it was a remarkably bad day for Republicans.

(Yeah no shit thanks, douchemagnet)

John McCain is rapidly making his temperament an inescapable issue in the presidential campaign. Does the nation really want so much drama in the White House?

(I watched the election of Matt Santos episode of the West Wing last night, and boy is it a tearjerker what with Leo and all.)

Not only that, the networks are also beginning to call us out on having a campaign that is not actually suspended, but really that depends on what the definition of “is” is, does it not?

Can I just quarrel with the premise of this, who says he suspended his campaign, he didn’t suspend his campaign, he’s been campaigning all day. He gave a speech in New York, he’s giving interviews all night,he’s raising money, his surrogates are attacking Barack Obama, I think this is posturing of being apolitical, and frankly, I think we (the media) are being kind of gullible in falling for it. He didn’t stop his campaign, he’s campaigning.

And now Democrats are beginning to call a spade a spade frame us for this financial crisis clusterfuck that has been further clusterfucked by Johnny Mac’s drama queen routine, and that retarded aide who basically admitted that this was all staged to make McCain look like a hero, intentionally stalling the talks so John McCain could rush over from Rachel Ray David Letterman Katie Couric in time.

Kevin Smith, a spokesman for House Republican Leader John Boehner, said the speed with which Dodd’s plan was put together was designed “to deny Senator McCain a role in trying to craft a bipartisan solution.”

They’re (actually just Jon Stewart) even catching on to Bush’s fearmongering using the same language of truth used to justify the Iraq war.

Even CNBC is giving us the business.

But that’s just the liberal media. What about an unbiased observer, say… Republican primary silver-medalist and McCain supporter Mike Huckabee:

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said Thursday that Sen. John McCain made a “huge mistake” by even discussing canceling the presidential debate with Sen. Barack Obama.

Huckabee said Thursday in Mobile that the people need to hear both candidates. He said that’s “far better than heading to Washington” to huddle with senators.

Huckabee said he still backs McCain’s candidacy, but said the Arizona senator should not have put his campaign on hold to deal with the financial crisis on Wall Street. He said a president must be prepared to “deal with the unexpected.”

“You can’t just say, ‘World stop for a moment. I’m going to cancel everything,”‘ Huckabee said.

Ouch Huck. Just, ouch.

…

So what else is going well? Sarah you say? She managed to follow up her “I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring them to you” debacle with her Russia and Canada are in Russia debacle yesterday, which received glowing reviews:

Her third nationally televised interview, with CBS anchor Katie Couric, found Palin rambling, marginally responsive and even more adrift than during her network debut with ABC’s Charles Gibson.

Palin’s unblinking certitude gave way at other times in the interview to a striking imprecision, as when she struggled to respond to Couric’s suggestion that the $700-billion bailout might be better funneled through middle-class families instead of Wall Street firms. “That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in . . .” Palin began, before meandering off in fruitless pursuit of coherence.

And that’s just one of the many who are now, finally unafraid to call her the “shameless and clueless” “joke” that she is.

And today? Well… Just the old “I passed ethics legislation but you’re on crack if you think it’ll also apply to me even though it explicitly does apply to me” or “give me my gifts now fucker, my retarded baby needs a crib.”

And then one of you assholes leaked our internal “mock” debate disaster and our plans to duck out of a VP debate entirely?

Capitol Hill sources are telling me that senior McCain people are more than concerned about Palin. The campaign has held a mock debate and a mock press conference; both are being described as “disastrous.” One senior McCain aide was quoted as saying, “What are we going to do?” The McCain people want to move this first debate to some later, undetermined date, possibly never. People on the inside are saying the Alaska Governor is “clueless.”

I mean FUCK. Can’t we even get Joe Scarborough on board? Who do we have if not Joe?

If she can’t answer basic questions, that’s tough. Katie did not ask her tough questions, her questions were very fair. Apparently Katie asked her, “what’s the worst thing Dick Cheney did”, and she answered “Shooting his friend with the gun”. US Elections aren’t a meritocracy, about picking the most qualified people, it’s obvious she has very little knowledge of US facts. She may be a good person and a good governor, she has also has a high approval rating, but is this is the best person you can find for Vice President? but what does this say about Palin and McCain’s judgment?

Shit even the Christian right-wing (the whole fucking reason she was added to the ticket in the first place) is admitting they are “embarassed for her”:

New Palin excerpt up, in which she discusses why having Russia next to Alaska gives her relevant foreign policy experience. I am well and truly embarrassed for her. I think she’s a good woman who might well be a great governor of Alaska. But good grief, just watch this train wreck.

And now conservative columnist Kathleen Parker of the National Review is CALLING FOR PALIN TO DROP OUT BECAUSE SHE IS SO AWFUL (now picked up by CNN)

Palin’s recent interviews with Charles Gibson, Sean Hannity, and now Katie Couric have all revealed an attractive, earnest, confident candidate. Who Is Clearly Out Of Her League.

No one hates saying that more than I do. Like so many women, I’ve been pulling for Palin, wishing her the best, hoping she will perform brilliantly. I’ve also noticed that I watch her interviews with the held breath of an anxious parent, my finger poised over the mute button in case it gets too painful. Unfortunately, it often does. My cringe reflex is exhausted.

….

Only Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves. She can bow out for personal reasons, perhaps because she wants to spend more time with her newborn. No one would criticize a mother who puts her family first.

Do it for your country.

So yeah let’s try to fix this. Now. I know I usually try to make a couple of jokes but what the fuck is there to joke about in all this? And I swear to god if you mention the poll numbers right now I will stab you in the eye.

-Steve

UPDATE: Um, didn’t we tell our people not to admit that McCain had no intention of letting this bipartisan bailout pass, despite his Han Solo theatrics? ESPECIALLY NOT ON NATIONAL TV. Are we trying to find out how much further we can go down in the polls?