Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘suspends his campaign’

Straight Talk, from the Straight Talk Express, for real for real

In This might be the most inspired move in the history of painfully obvious opportunistic political blunders on September 24, 2008 at 10:50 pm

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard that we’ve decided to hide suspend the campaign. Ostensibly it’s to deal with this super pressing financial crisis that John didn’t think was an issue until the polls told him it was was too busy to deal with while concentrating really hard on putting “Country First,” but I think we all know that it wasn’t John who pulled the plug but a certain American Idol’s #1 fan who is sick and tired of it all.  I think it’s important for all of us in the campaign to remember what makes us human, and obviously that is the sweet, sweet crooning of a dreamy and awkward 14 year-old-lookin half-Honduran kid.

But if you still want to try to “win” the election (good luck, have you seen the latest Marist polls?), I guess you can go to the talking points that Tucker is distributing–namely, that we have a totally fucked up financial crisis that’s going to wipe out humans like it did the dinosaurs, and we have a dangerously flawed bailout plan that Democrats and Republicans have come together to take a rare bipartisan dump on (but of course a certain awesome president named W loves), and you can just imagine all of Congress is waiting anxiously in Washington saying, oh no, what will we do, we need to be rescued, man I hope someone can help us magically fix this crisis created by 6 years of Republican economic policies … but wait! what is that you say, a certain Republican presidential candidate whose poll numbers just went south of Mexico and has been M.I.A. from his job in the Senate since APRIL is coming back to town! perhaps that guy, the same guy who admits to not knowing too much about the economy, who one WEEK ago said the fundamental of our economy were strong and now says we’re in the worst crisis since WWII, and who instead of choosing a VP to help with this important issue chose the world’s expert in making sure women get charged for rape exams that are free everywhere else, yes clearly because he hasn’t been here in Washington is the reason we’re still in this mess, and because nothing important has ever happened during a presidential campaign or debate before, and hey, maybe we shouldn’t just suspend the debates, we should suspend all the other stuff the country is doing, like let’s stop the goddamn Iraq war while we’re at it, just so we don’t have to walk and chew gum at the same time can give John McCain time to give his full and awesome attention to this thing mere mortals like all the other senators in Congress can’t handle, something John himself was a couple of months ago, if you can even count him as a Senator given that he is the #1 most absent member, which is probably not terribly surprising given how much of a shit show he was at the Naval Academy finishing 894 out of a class of 899, yeah that’s a swell idea but back here on the planet earth where that guy is actually someone whom everyone is telling to stay the fuck away from DC like they’ve got a fucking restraining order against him because he’s such the epitome of the opportunistic politician who will do anything or say anything to win maverick, yeah THAT’S the ONLY guy who can fix this and he HAS TO DO IT NOW SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY OF HIS FLEET OF 13 CARS.

Yeah just say that. It’ll totally work. People will eat it up.

And if anyone doesn’t buy it, just say “the surge.”

FTW.

-Steve

UPDATE: Looks like Dave didn’t get the memo

UPDATE 2: Yep, they’re eating it up hook, line, and sinker.