Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘debate’

Why can’t our dude look that black dude in the eye? He is totally giving us the stare-down

In Dear God John do not check to see if your wallet and cell phone are still safe on September 27, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Can we get that time machine back?

Because we have got to do something about this: (jedreport via huffington post)

I mean this is John Fucking McCain. Nobody knows about the Other like he does. GEEZ it’s not his fault reality just happened to turn out differently from what he predicted based on what he learned didn’t learn during his awesome 894/899 class rank record at the Naval Academy.

And fuck they’ve already got an ad out? How the fuck were we supposed to know to say “middle class”? It’s not like this country is in a financial crisis or anything that John “suspended” the campaign for and said he wouldn’t even show up for a debate unless a bailout recovery deal were done– oh wait, we don’t have a deal yet? Tucker, does that make John a liar or a capitulator? Which one polls better?  [NB: neither! just call him a hero repeatedly and count on people being stupid distracted– don’t you ever listen when i talk about message?  tb]

And what the fuck how did Obama get a remembrance bracelet too? I thought only John supported the troops. And where was John’s flag pin? Obama had one. FUCK WHERE ARE OUR FUCKING ACCESSORIES?

Debates make my awesomely domed head HURT. (But not as much as John’s strobe-light-flickering tie, which I’m told only did that on non-HD TVs, but hey that’s what those people get for being so poor and not supporting the economy: a seizure.)

-Steve

P.S. Who else laughed everytime they said “package”? Be honest.

P.P.S. Does anyone have any goddamn clue what John was talking about with the whole “South Koreans are 3 inches taller than North Koreans” bit?

P.P.P.S. Can we get Sarah on TV as a surrogate to talk as eloquetly, intelligently, and not retardedly as Joe Biden? OH WAIT SHE WAS HIDING AT THE DOUCHIEST BAR IN PHILADELPHIA DOUCHING IT UP WITH CORPORATE CABLE COMPANY DOUCHENOZZLES.

No One Watches Debates, Right? RIGHT? PLEASE, GOD?

In of course voters loooove to make sacrifices at the whim of old dudes who've been sniffing marker fumes on September 27, 2008 at 2:30 am

I know, I know.  It’s usually Steve’s job to lose it and sound desperate.  But Steve’s lost in a bottle of Tanqueray, and here I am actually worried that all of you have nay-sayed your way into a bankrupt campaign.  Ouch, sorry, I know that hurts right now.

Listen, first I said we shouldn’t run away from the debate like scarediecates just because poll numbers took a teensie little dip suspend the campaign.  I was right.  You all ignored me, obviously.  Thank God “suspending the campaign” meant continuing to run (negative) ads, do the interviews we liked, and attend meetings with famous people in DC just like normal.  I was worried I wouldn’t have an excuse for avoiding my mother’s phone calls.  So, no hard feelings about that one, guys.

But then I tried to talk you out of letting John write with a quill read the large print Reader’s Digest Condensed during network breaks use a magic marker for his large print notes during the debate, and once again you wouldn’t listen to the “young guy” in the campaign.

I’m telling you, I’m still not happy that your compromise was to use a Sharpie.  It looks like he’s blind.  Someone please get him a regular I-see-like-a-normal-presidential-candidate-sized pen up there.  Or at least tell him not to hold it above the podium.

Also, tell John to stop talking about the economy.  Also, health care.  And the environment.  And oil.  It’s not working.  They seem to think Obama has a plan to improve our nation in all of these areas.  Obviously we need to get back to OUR MESSAGE, which I’ve been trying to remind you is human interest stories and war hero reminiscences (also, maybe animal stories, if we can ever get this LOL-cat shit figured out).

For the love of God, take the Sharpie away from him, give him a cup of tea, and ask about the war!!!

Tucker

We won the debate!

In This is what we call the land of make-believe plus time-travel on September 26, 2008 at 4:23 pm

We won the debate that hasn’t even happened and that we were totally going to show up for even though we said we weren’t to distract from, you know, EVERYTHING.

You might say, Steve, I think this is scientifically impossible.

To which I would respond: flux capacitor.

Game, Set, Match.

-Steve

P.S. Lost in all this is the fact that this is not the first time McCain has tried to duck a debate, and not the first time McCain suspended his campaign. Not exactly a one time thing is it? More like something chronic and incurable. You know, like herpes. OH WAIT YOU DIDN’T KNOW HERPES WAS INCURABLE? NEITHER THE FUCK DID I.

As the old saying goes:

Update: I know they’re making fun of us, but at this point, it probably wouldn’t hurt to try some of these.

Nice work guys

In dodged that bullet, is she still our VP choice?, Uncategorized, well done on September 20, 2008 at 9:13 pm

This is some fine work gentlemen. Some of the best working of the refs I’ve seen since Tim Donaghy.

“Commission members wanted a relaxed format that included time for unpredictable questioning and challenges between the vice-presidential candidates. Last week, it rejected a proposal from advisers to Ms. Palin and Senator John McCain, the Republican nominee, for few if any unfettered exchanges. Advisers to Mr. Biden say they were comfortable with either format.”

Better to not let the “debate” be an actual “debate.” Lord knows she’ll tell that same godawful lipstick on a pitbull joke if given the chance. God I fucking hate her (Don’t tell John I said that).

(It’s too bad we couldn’t get them to agree to our preferred format, consisting solely of naming countries you can see from your house. That’s something I think we can all agree Sarah does well. Naming things. Off of a list. A list of one.)

-Steve