Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘Economy’

DANGER! Be Afraid!

In At least if the country's economy collapses the pentacostals will vote for us on September 30, 2008 at 7:23 pm

The “Economic Crisis” is taking over as THE issue of the campaign.  I’m happy to say that my political career getting this dude elected has taught me a thing or two about fear-mongering (oops!) leadership in the face of exaggerated threats danger.

Here’s what our campaign has learned from the great promoter of democratic ideals who paved the way for our current leader’s victory:

1. John should say there is no economic crisis whenever possible (as he did last Tuesday).  For many in this country, there is no economic crisis.  Get it?  People are in shock/denial or are uninformed– for whichever reason, there are MANY people who do not believe there is an economic crisis.  To those people John is the most level-headed candidate ever!  Those people will vote for John because he’s come closest to saying what they want to hear.

2. Everyone else (that’s you!) should say there is a huge, scary economic crisis.  We know that the remaining voters need to be scared of something to increase their patriotism/sacrifice/ability to be controlled.  The above-mentioned group of voters will like John all the more because everyone else is trying to rain on their parade.  The rest of the voters will be scared witless.  They will want someone, anyone to tell them what to do.

The economic crisis is the new war on terrorism.  This crisis is the monster in the dark that John knows how to tame.  Calm down, Steve, no one actually has to tame any monsters, you can come out from under the bed.  All John has to do after that is tell people over and over and over again that he knows what to do, even though he has no fucking idea what to actually do.  The people who are scared just want someone to tell them it is going to be okay.

It’s beautiful!  It’s the only strategy we need!

Of course, we still want to have a wedding and lots of folksy sayings to make people like us, too.  Lots of smiling in the face of fear is just one more way to accomplish that.  (Well, not John smiling, that’s creepy.  Just everyone else smiling because John and Sarah are so fun and reassuring!)  Come to think of it, there might even be more opportunity for war stories here.  We need to exploit that!  (John can never tell too many war stories.)


P.S. Steve, I need to talk to you about my retirement options.  Were we with AIG?  You promised me that if I joined this campaign I’d be eligible for one of the tax breaks.  I assumed that meant that I’d be earning over $250,000.00/yr.  Don’t hang me out to dry here just because the economy’s tanked.

P.P.S.  Steve, the note that you just sent me referring to some vague details of a retirement plan backed by some fantastical bailout deal that is never going to make it through is NOT reassuring.  Don’t play politics with me.  I’m on the inside– I want my money!!


Mittens please help us

In Do you think Dan Quayle is free? on September 24, 2008 at 6:09 pm

I never thought I would ever say this, but that effete liberal freakshow Markos is absolutely right.  Romney as VP would’ve been a godsend during this crisis, right? Mitt Romney would’ve been our fucking Alan Greenspan. Unfortunately we settled settled on the moose hunter.

So, can we have a do-over? Backsies? Please? We would like Mitt now.

Or, let’s be frank, at this point we’d pretty much go with ANYONE NOT NAMED SARAH PALIN.

I mean geez the whole hiding her from anyone with half a brain thing gets pretty old, not to mention exhausting and totally humiliating (but not sexist. that’s Obama).

This is not the financial disaster you were looking for. You can go about your business. Move along.

In But seriously FEMA did a good job just between us on September 22, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Can we get John to stop being retarded?

Even after the last two independent I-banks said “our bad, see ya,” 3.5 trillion in wealth disappeared into thin air (wait we could’ve paid for health care and Iraq?), and every newspaper and editorial board in the country printed the same depressing (foot in mouth much, Phil?) summaries of how far we’ve been set back,

It also is a turning point for the high-rolling culture of Wall Street, with its seven-figure bonuses and lavish perks for even midlevel executives. It effectively returns Wall Street to the way it was structured before Congress passed a law during the Great Depression separating investment banking from commercial banking, known as the Glass-Steagall Act.

And with pictures like this (nb: previously worth a thousand words, now it’s owned by China)

Now is probably the worst time for John to keep using the stubborn “deregulation has basically been good” line. It’s like trying to say FEMA did a god job during Katrina.

Now Iran, there’s a Jedi mind trick that might still work.


Holy Failing Banks Batman

In It's not that we don't care it's that we're retarded on September 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm

“There are no atheists in foxholes and no libertarians in a financial crisis.”

It’s like this guy understands the economy or something. Do we have anyone like that? If you say Phil Gramm I will choke the fuck out of you.

-Choke-tastic Steve