Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘Palin’

I wish she could be this articulate in real life

In But that would involve using real words and full sentences on October 6, 2008 at 1:36 pm

It’s the REEEEMIXXXXX…..

Also they finally caught on to the fact we are going to cut medicare and medicaid to pay for a shitty tax credit that won’t be nearly enough to offset everyone losing their employer based coverage.

And they caught on to the fake maverick thing. And the fake good airman with good judgment thing. And the fake Obama contributions scandal, when it’s actually the McCain campaign that has been acting shady.

And the fake we care about women thing.

And the Keating Five thing we’ve been hoping people would forget about.

Man he’s really playing offense isn’t he? Can’t we just have Gore and Kerry back?

-Steve

P.S. Gotta love quotes like these:

“As I said, I’m of two minds about this. I don’t want to give currency to this sewage, so it will remain below the fold. And I’ll try to devote the lion’s share of my time to the issues–the war, the economic crisis, the fraying health insurance system, the environment–that should define this campaign. But what a desperate empty embarrassment the McCain campaign has become.”

And headlines like “How McCain lost his brand: From maverick to crank in an instant

God I can’t wait until November 5th when I don’t have to spin this shit anymore

In And I can get blitzed out of my mind on October 1, 2008 at 2:01 pm

You guys are not being very nice, fellow Republicans.

“Some Republicans say they are uncertain of McCain’s electoral strategy, wondering why, for example, he’s back in Iowa this week, a state few independent analysts see as being in play and where public polls this month show Obama enjoying a double-digit lead even before the economic meltdown. Asked why McCain was in Iowa, one veteran Republican there replied: ‘Because he’s running a senseless, non-strategic campaign. Why else would he come here?’”

Or you guys, US Military.

“When Russian bombers approach American airspace  and U.S. Air Force fighters are scrambled, Sarah Palin‘s phone doesn’t ring.The Alaska governor has no command authority over the guardians of U.S. airspace despite her recent suggestion otherwise.”

And Sarah? Still retarded. As ever.

She should you start using that answer for more interview questions. “Hey Sarah which countries should we invade?” “Oh, you know, um, gee… ALL OF THEM?”  Genius.

And John? Still angry. As ever.

And conservative nutjobs? Still as nutty as ever, even against their own.

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am a traitor and an idiot. Also, my mother should have aborted me and left me in a Dumpster, but since she didn’t, I should “off” myself.

Those are just a few nuggets randomly selected from thousands of e-mails written in response to my column suggesting that Sarah Palin is out of her league and should step down.

Who says public discourse hasn’t deteriorated?

Of course, there’s a difference between a lack of polish and a lack of coherence. Some of Palin’s interview responses can’t even be critiqued on their merits because they’re so nonsensical. “Let Sarah be Sarah” has become the latest rallying cry among my colleagues on the right. She’ll be fine if we just leave her alone, they say. Between prayers, I might add.

The picture is this: Anyone who dares express an opinion that runs counter to the party line will be silenced. That doesn’t sound American to me, but Stalin would approve. Readers have every right to reject my opinion. But when we decide that a person is a traitor and should die for having an opinion different than one’s own, then we cross into territory that puts all freedoms at risk. (I hear you, Dixie Chicks.)”

So what should we do? The surge. I mean, SUSPEND THE CAMPAIGN.

AGAIN.

But at least Tom Brokaw is still spreading fale information is still on our side. Thank god for that. Not so much the polls though (538 breaks it down brilliantly as usual), no matter how hard we try to spin itOr women (details here, including the fact that Obama is now at the 50% threshold in the Time poll, which no Democrat has done since before Reagan).

What does it mean? A right-wing blogosphere civil war? The end of the Republican brand? Only time will tell. But in the mean time, LET’S PAY SOME FRAT DUDES TO PROTEST THE VP DEBATE LIKE IT’S THEIR JOB.

UPDATE: And the amazing quotes keep coming in:

“Obviously in a McCain administration she will not have much of a role in foreign policy.”

Republicans see stunning “lack of competence” in McCain campaign

-Steve

Palin makes the case for President Pal- err… President Obam- er… wait, me confused

In Or how Sarah met her retarded quota for the day on September 30, 2008 at 7:19 pm

Continuing her fucking amazing streak of brilliant quotes:

“Oh no, it’s nothing negative at all. He’s got a lot of experience and just stating the fact there, that we’ve been hearing his speeches for all these years. So he’s got a tremendous amount of experience and, you know, I’m the new energy, the new face, the new ideas and he’s got the experience based on many many years in the Senate and voters are gonna have a choice there of what it is that they want in these next four years. “

Does she realize she might be describing someone other than Joe Biden? Or are two thoughts at the same time too much to handle?

At least that takes some attention away from the now daily universal press whoopings, leaked stories of internal panic, debunks of our lies, and recent developments in the corruption trial.

AND FUCK THE BOSS AND THE PIANOMAN? THROW IN BON FUCKING JOVI AND THAT IS LIKE SOME REAL JERSEY SHIT FOR REALS.

-Steve

P.S. But wait maybe there’s hope! Fair and balanced Fox News focus group in PA shows a “split”!!!

But it’s one of those “splits” where everyone raises their hands for Obama, weirdly. (I like the guy who tries to vote McCain but his wife doesn’t let him, realizing HE MUST BE MAKING A MISTAKE OR BE COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS MIND.

P.P.S. Man we really fucked up hyping John’s part in this huge success debacle, right before it ALL WENT TO HELL, HUH?

Who needs Tina Fey when this stuff writes itself?

In Oh man just wait till she kills it in the debate hahah jkjkjk on September 29, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Well played, CNN.

And the rest of the press is laughing WITH HER TOO, DEFINITELY NOT AT HER.

UPDATE: Apparently questions about foreign security are totally fair when you’re debating with John McCain, Barack Obama, or Joe Biden. But Sarah Palin? Well, now you’re just picking on the retarded.

Is this what our sell has come to?

GEE PUNDIT GENIUSES, it’s no secret that Sarah has been nothing short of a disaster lately, and as a result we’ve exiled her to “debate camp.”  Now the question is how much damage can she still do WHILE HIDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESSERT.

Good thing it’s the weekend. Is this god-forsaken campaign over yet?

In I just want to go back to sleep but not in the same way John loves sleeping on September 28, 2008 at 4:46 pm

A weekend update! Things are going better for us, because it’s the weekend! No one cares about the weekend. Sure the campaign continues to go down the shitter, but hey, if anyone asks, just say “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!??”

Sarah and John? On the same page as always. Also known as SURE WE CAN GO IN TO PAKISTAN AS LONG AS WE DON’T ANNOUNCE IT FOR REAL LIKE ON A TALK SHOW BUT ITS TOTALLY OKAY FOR THE VP WANNABE TO ANNOUNCE IT OUTSIDE OF SOME CHEESESTEAK PLACE IN PHILLY

It’s too bad those press people are, you know, paying attention.

And those back and forth pooping, forever trade missions that Sarah touted she had gone on in her interview with Katie Couric? Don’t seem to exist.

As you might notice, Palin only cites one discernible foreign interaction under her purview: Trade missions.

I spent some time on the Governor’s Web site seeking more details about her trade negotiations with Russia. There’s a press release about Gov. Palin’s meeting with a trade mission from the Yukon, but nothing about Russia anywhere in the archives. Tony Knowles, a Democrat who was governor from 1994-2002, led a trade mission — back in 1997, while Palin was running Wasilla — to the remote island of Sakhalin, off the coast of Siberia. That seems to be about it for Russia-Alaska trade missions lately.

Yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. Was there anyone who didn’t see that one coming a million Alaskan miles away?

And hey did anyone catch the new Tina Fey sketch? God she is hilarious. Can we just get Tina Fey to replace Sarah? I mean BONO THE KING OF IRELAND is way less damaging than pretty much EVERYTHING the barracuda has said. PHONE A MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND, SARAH, PHONE A MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.

The best day of our campaign yet, IF THIS WERE OPPOSITE DAY

In And let's be honest we've had a lot of "best" days lately haven't we on September 26, 2008 at 2:29 pm

Well our stunt political heroism has been a total fucking disaster hasn’t it?

Here’s a quick recap:

The economy? Still fucked.

We are being summarily blasted by every columnist and newspaper in the country:

But McCain’s boisterous intervention — and particularly his grandstanding on the debate — was less a presidential act than the tactical ploy of a man worried that his chances of becoming president might be slipping away.

(Slipping away is better than I would’ve put it.)

McCain’s action was a diversionary tactic and a rather crass one at that. He was not one of the key Senate negotiators needed to hammer out a congressional deal on the bailout. He could vote up-or-down on the bill and still debate.

(So what you’re saying is chewing gum is chewable while walking?)

But as many Great Men come to learn, there is a colossal downside built into running a campaign on outsized personal virtue. The line between stoic, honorable service and showy moral vanity is oftentimes difficult to maintain.  And when a candidate confuses his own political ambitions with the fortunes of his country, that’s when Great Men turn into self-parodies.

(What does that make Sarah? A parody of a parody?)

Ultimatums are delivered to defenseless foes, not to vital opponents.  They are a form of intimidation intended to trigger subservience.  That is why McCain now risks looking like a duplicitous bully with little interest in bipartisan cooperation, even though he has spent a lifetime cultivating the opposite image.

(People don’t think he’s a maverick anymore? Whaaaaa?)

Even for a party whose president suffers dismal approval ratings, whose legislative wing lost control of Congress and whose presidential nominee trails in the polls, it was a remarkably bad day for Republicans.

(Yeah no shit thanks, douchemagnet)

John McCain is rapidly making his temperament an inescapable issue in the presidential campaign. Does the nation really want so much drama in the White House?

(I watched the election of Matt Santos episode of the West Wing last night, and boy is it a tearjerker what with Leo and all.)

Not only that, the networks are also beginning to call us out on having a campaign that is not actually suspended, but really that depends on what the definition of “is” is, does it not?

Can I just quarrel with the premise of this, who says he suspended his campaign, he didn’t suspend his campaign, he’s been campaigning all day. He gave a speech in New York, he’s giving interviews all night,he’s raising money, his surrogates are attacking Barack Obama, I think this is posturing of being apolitical, and frankly, I think we (the media) are being kind of gullible in falling for it. He didn’t stop his campaign, he’s campaigning.

And now Democrats are beginning to call a spade a spade frame us for this financial crisis clusterfuck that has been further clusterfucked by Johnny Mac’s drama queen routine, and that retarded aide who basically admitted that this was all staged to make McCain look like a hero, intentionally stalling the talks so John McCain could rush over from Rachel Ray David Letterman Katie Couric in time.

Kevin Smith, a spokesman for House Republican Leader John Boehner, said the speed with which Dodd’s plan was put together was designed “to deny Senator McCain a role in trying to craft a bipartisan solution.”

They’re (actually just Jon Stewart) even catching on to Bush’s fearmongering using the same language of truth used to justify the Iraq war.

Even CNBC is giving us the business.

But that’s just the liberal media. What about an unbiased observer, say… Republican primary silver-medalist and McCain supporter Mike Huckabee:

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said Thursday that Sen. John McCain made a “huge mistake” by even discussing canceling the presidential debate with Sen. Barack Obama.

Huckabee said Thursday in Mobile that the people need to hear both candidates. He said that’s “far better than heading to Washington” to huddle with senators.

Huckabee said he still backs McCain’s candidacy, but said the Arizona senator should not have put his campaign on hold to deal with the financial crisis on Wall Street. He said a president must be prepared to “deal with the unexpected.”

“You can’t just say, ‘World stop for a moment. I’m going to cancel everything,”‘ Huckabee said.

Ouch Huck. Just, ouch.

So what else is going well? Sarah you say? She managed to follow up her “I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring them to you” debacle with her Russia and Canada are in Russia debacle yesterday, which received glowing reviews:

Her third nationally televised interview, with CBS anchor Katie Couric, found Palin rambling, marginally responsive and even more adrift than during her network debut with ABC’s Charles Gibson.

Palin’s unblinking certitude gave way at other times in the interview to a striking imprecision, as when she struggled to respond to Couric’s suggestion that the $700-billion bailout might be better funneled through middle-class families instead of Wall Street firms. “That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in . . .” Palin began, before meandering off in fruitless pursuit of coherence.

And that’s just one of the many who are now, finally unafraid to call her the “shameless and clueless” “joke” that she is.

And today? Well… Just the old “I passed ethics legislation but you’re on crack if you think it’ll also apply to me even though it explicitly does apply to me” or “give me my gifts now fucker, my retarded baby needs a crib.”

And then one of you assholes leaked our internal “mock” debate disaster and our plans to duck out of a VP debate entirely?

Capitol Hill sources are telling me that senior McCain people are more than concerned about Palin. The campaign has held a mock debate and a mock press conference; both are being described as “disastrous.” One senior McCain aide was quoted as saying, “What are we going to do?” The McCain people want to move this first debate to some later, undetermined date, possibly never. People on the inside are saying the Alaska Governor is “clueless.”

I mean FUCK. Can’t we even get Joe Scarborough on board? Who do we have if not Joe?

If she can’t answer basic questions, that’s tough. Katie did not ask her tough questions, her questions were very fair. Apparently Katie asked her, “what’s the worst thing Dick Cheney did”, and she answered “Shooting his friend with the gun”. US Elections aren’t a meritocracy, about picking the most qualified people, it’s obvious she has very little knowledge of US facts. She may be a good person and a good governor, she has also has a high approval rating, but is this is the best person you can find for Vice President? but what does this say about Palin and McCain’s judgment?

Shit even the Christian right-wing (the whole fucking reason she was added to the ticket in the first place) is admitting they are “embarassed for her”:

New Palin excerpt up, in which she discusses why having Russia next to Alaska gives her relevant foreign policy experience. I am well and truly embarrassed for her. I think she’s a good woman who might well be a great governor of Alaska. But good grief, just watch this train wreck.

And now conservative columnist Kathleen Parker of the National Review is CALLING FOR PALIN TO DROP OUT BECAUSE SHE IS SO AWFUL (now picked up by CNN)

Palin’s recent interviews with Charles Gibson, Sean Hannity, and now Katie Couric have all revealed an attractive, earnest, confident candidate. Who Is Clearly Out Of Her League.

No one hates saying that more than I do. Like so many women, I’ve been pulling for Palin, wishing her the best, hoping she will perform brilliantly. I’ve also noticed that I watch her interviews with the held breath of an anxious parent, my finger poised over the mute button in case it gets too painful. Unfortunately, it often does. My cringe reflex is exhausted.

….

Only Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves. She can bow out for personal reasons, perhaps because she wants to spend more time with her newborn. No one would criticize a mother who puts her family first.

Do it for your country.

So yeah let’s try to fix this. Now. I know I usually try to make a couple of jokes but what the fuck is there to joke about in all this? And I swear to god if you mention the poll numbers right now I will stab you in the eye.

-Steve

UPDATE: Um, didn’t we tell our people not to admit that McCain had no intention of letting this bipartisan bailout pass, despite his Han Solo theatrics? ESPECIALLY NOT ON NATIONAL TV. Are we trying to find out how much further we can go down in the polls?

She is sort of like Raymond Carver, but minimally coherent instead of just minimalist

In And honestly this is only the first 60 seconds or so of the interview that they've released on September 25, 2008 at 7:00 pm

Talking points for Sarah’s interview with Katie Couric

COURIC: You’ve cited Alaska’s proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land– boundary that we have with– Canada. It– it’s funny that a comment like that was– kind of made to– cari– I don’t know, you know? Reporters–

Although it looks like our candidate is totally retarded and can’t put together one complete thought, or even get out a single polysyllabic word like “caricature” (or perhaps she was trying to use the old Alaskan proverb “carried the ass of a moose like a pitbull on steroids)” she is really saying reporters can’t understand the nuance and the complexity of the situation.

Additionally, as sort of an aside, clearly we should use some of her charming turns of phrase as ads/slogans, particularly the one she seems to like the best: “I don’t know, you know?” That is got to be without a doubt the most presidential slogan I have ever fucking heard.

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that’s the word, yeah.

Here it looks like Palin is struggling with her command of the English language, but who can blame her for not finding the right word when Couric uses such obtuse, archaic, and honestly indecipherable diction like “mock” (apparently some weird nown or verb or something).

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They’re in the state that I am the executive of. And they’re in Russia–

Here Sarah demonstrates her profound and unsurpassed geographical expertise. If you look on a map, Alaska is in fact next to foreign countries, Canada and Russia as she points out. And if you look closely on a map, you will also note that Sarah is right, as both Russia and Canada are IN ALASKA. All of Russia. And Canada. Inside of Alaska.

If that doens’t sound right to you, then you just haven’t checked a map recently, my friends.

But wait! This is where Sarah really shines. She also points out that not only are Canada and Russia IN ALASKA, THEY’RE ALSO IN RUSSIA TOO. So to summarize:

1) Russia and Canada are neighbors with Alaska

2) Russia and Canada are INSIDE Alaska

3) Russia and Canada are also INSIDE Russia

so ergo

4) Russia and Canada are inside both Russia and Alaska

which leave several possible conclusions

5a) Russia = Alaska

5b) Russia and Alaska are sort of like a venn diagram, sort of separate, but with a chewy middle that they share.

5c) Russia is in itself (gross)

5d) Russia is both in itself but also neighbors itself, which also neighbors Alaska, but with a common shared region, and somehow Canada is getting Oreo-d in the middle.

QED

It’s all very hard for someone like the average American to understand this, but rest assured, Sarah Palin has it all under control. Look, she’s even provided us with a map:

I think that pretty much says it all.

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We– we do– it’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is– from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to– to our state.

Basically here she’s saying Russia and Alaska want to poop back and forth. Forever.

-Steve

UPDATE: TPM assholes jacked my fucking nerd-tastic punchline.

UPDATE: LAT fails to get the memo. Ignorant los angeles elitists.

Operation duck and cover, Zach Morris time-out, and reclaim diversity for the GOP continues as planned

In It would be nice to get on Rachel Ray though no matter what Letterman says on September 25, 2008 at 3:07 pm

Guys we gotta get the Jews back.

Between the Sarah Silverman video.

And the Daily Show thing from a while ago.

There’s some unholy alliance brewing between the minorities. What else could explain polling showing an Obama lead in Florida?

And we haven’t even begun talking about the latinos yet.

But it’s okay, our diversity chair Sarah Palin will totally win them back, just as soon as our campaign is back from being “suspended” aka continuing to go on Katie Couric and media shows and giving lots of speeches and “pulling” advertising we knew wouldn’t be able to pull anyway.

Everything is going according to plan. Now we wait until we’ve missed all the debates we forgot to prepare for knew we couldnt win were too busy to care about because we’ve been saving the world and people forget this whole “economic crisis” thing ever happened.

-Steve

Mittens please help us

In Do you think Dan Quayle is free? on September 24, 2008 at 6:09 pm

I never thought I would ever say this, but that effete liberal freakshow Markos is absolutely right.  Romney as VP would’ve been a godsend during this crisis, right? Mitt Romney would’ve been our fucking Alan Greenspan. Unfortunately we settled settled on the moose hunter.

So, can we have a do-over? Backsies? Please? We would like Mitt now.

Or, let’s be frank, at this point we’d pretty much go with ANYONE NOT NAMED SARAH PALIN.

I mean geez the whole hiding her from anyone with half a brain thing gets pretty old, not to mention exhausting and totally humiliating (but not sexist. that’s Obama).


Viva la revolucion. Viva la press smackdown.

In Obviously there would be a swimsuit competition on September 23, 2008 at 5:31 pm

The media conspiracy against our campaign continues. Today, the press, including CNN and the AP, get this, wanted to have REPORTERS covering Sarah’s meeting with Karzai. They weren’t happy with just photographers and a TV crew. They wanted, you know, JOURNALISTS. Journalists who write stuff. And ask questions. WTF right?

Can you imagine the nerve? Are they trying to turn our publicity stunt to distract from Sarah’s incredibly inadequate metaphorical foreign policy credentials into some kind of real meeting with a foreign head of state that is subject to scrutiny? Because let me tell you, that is not how we do things in the McCain campaign, and we will not be bullied into allowing “public vetting” or “debate” or “facts” to come anywhere near Sarah.

Basically we are here to have a beauty pageant. Except it would be a beauty pageant where the INTERVIEW and TALENT portions are omitted, since they are obviously biased towards people who aren’t retarded.  And that, my friends, is CHANGE you can believe in.

UPDATE: Actually to make this just like a beauty contest, we gave the contests 29 and 15-20 seconds of “substance.”

Image is everything. Impossible is nothing.

-Steve

P.S. Thank god for Fox, but you already knew thougt that, didn’t you?

UPDATE: Sexist treatment? Is this some kind of double-reverse psychology?

I thought by choosing Sarah that made Barack Obama sexist, not the other way around. Tucker, can we get some research on this? Didn’t we throw some half-hearted praise on Hillary Clinton a while back? How come no one is buying the “we are real feminists and Sarah is Rosie the Riveter” meme? DONT YOU PEOPLE KNOW OBAMA IS THE SEXIST ONE!??!?!? LIPSTICK, PEOPLE!

UPDATE 2: Now look what you’ve done. Even Laura Bush is being sexist against Sarah (by our totally GOP-ified actual definition of sexism).