Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘Couric’

She is sort of like Raymond Carver, but minimally coherent instead of just minimalist

In And honestly this is only the first 60 seconds or so of the interview that they've released on September 25, 2008 at 7:00 pm

Talking points for Sarah’s interview with Katie Couric

COURIC: You’ve cited Alaska’s proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land– boundary that we have with– Canada. It– it’s funny that a comment like that was– kind of made to– cari– I don’t know, you know? Reporters–

Although it looks like our candidate is totally retarded and can’t put together one complete thought, or even get out a single polysyllabic word like “caricature” (or perhaps she was trying to use the old Alaskan proverb “carried the ass of a moose like a pitbull on steroids)” she is really saying reporters can’t understand the nuance and the complexity of the situation.

Additionally, as sort of an aside, clearly we should use some of her charming turns of phrase as ads/slogans, particularly the one she seems to like the best: “I don’t know, you know?” That is got to be without a doubt the most presidential slogan I have ever fucking heard.

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that’s the word, yeah.

Here it looks like Palin is struggling with her command of the English language, but who can blame her for not finding the right word when Couric uses such obtuse, archaic, and honestly indecipherable diction like “mock” (apparently some weird nown or verb or something).

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They’re in the state that I am the executive of. And they’re in Russia–

Here Sarah demonstrates her profound and unsurpassed geographical expertise. If you look on a map, Alaska is in fact next to foreign countries, Canada and Russia as she points out. And if you look closely on a map, you will also note that Sarah is right, as both Russia and Canada are IN ALASKA. All of Russia. And Canada. Inside of Alaska.

If that doens’t sound right to you, then you just haven’t checked a map recently, my friends.

But wait! This is where Sarah really shines. She also points out that not only are Canada and Russia IN ALASKA, THEY’RE ALSO IN RUSSIA TOO. So to summarize:

1) Russia and Canada are neighbors with Alaska

2) Russia and Canada are INSIDE Alaska

3) Russia and Canada are also INSIDE Russia

so ergo

4) Russia and Canada are inside both Russia and Alaska

which leave several possible conclusions

5a) Russia = Alaska

5b) Russia and Alaska are sort of like a venn diagram, sort of separate, but with a chewy middle that they share.

5c) Russia is in itself (gross)

5d) Russia is both in itself but also neighbors itself, which also neighbors Alaska, but with a common shared region, and somehow Canada is getting Oreo-d in the middle.

QED

It’s all very hard for someone like the average American to understand this, but rest assured, Sarah Palin has it all under control. Look, she’s even provided us with a map:

I think that pretty much says it all.

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We– we do– it’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is– from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to– to our state.

Basically here she’s saying Russia and Alaska want to poop back and forth. Forever.

-Steve

UPDATE: TPM assholes jacked my fucking nerd-tastic punchline.

UPDATE: LAT fails to get the memo. Ignorant los angeles elitists.