Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘obama’

Jackpot: We have the clincher

In Give me a break its all we've got okay? on October 5, 2008 at 3:25 pm

We’ve got what we need to sink Obama forever.

Definitive proof of his relationship with unrepentant terrorist William Ayers:

Wait Obama has already pre-empted us? And the media is calling us out on it being a complete lie? And we’re using the same tired and failed strategy that Hillary Clinton already tried? And Sarah’s even being sued by a fellow REPUBLICAN for using a secret personal email account to hide her official state business? (Dick Cheney would be so proud.) Fuck it. Let’s run with this anyway. We can’t do any worse than we have been doing.

-Steve

P.S.

More jokes, more keywords, more weddings!

In saying something that's untrue to make things sound better than they are is just called campaigning, Uncategorized on September 29, 2008 at 8:43 pm

Message memo

Dear Team Straight Talk,

I have received a number of irate phone calls concerned inquiries re: press reports of private conversations calling Sarah’s Couric interview a “disaster.”  Don’t worry!  Sarah’s special recipe is still down home accent + confident eye contact + smattering of keywords.  She’s got her message down, you work on yours. 

In addition, a number of you asked about how to respond to the continued dip in the public poll numbers.  Again, talking about “numbers” is not the job of this campaign.  We are here to give the voters what they want.  We know what that is!  It’s a war hero/non-threatening female figure combo who talk about success abroad, success in the economy, success at home, etc. without troubling voters with details!

Your job, dear campaign staff, is to give the people what they want:

  • They want laughs?  Write more lipstick jokes!  And Steve, stop acting like SNL is hurting us. Humor is the untapped oil well of this campaign.  I say DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE! 
  • They want to feel good about the bad stuff that’s happening?  Throw around the keywords without actually saying anything! 
  • They want more unrelated anecdotes about the good ol’ days? 

John will tell them some stories about the olden days!

  • What’s that?  They want more than that?  They want the best feel-good moment of the entire campaign?  Give them something every true American loves… a big shotgun family wedding!!!

We are going to win this campaign with war stories and folksy sayings, not policy and principles!

Did you catch Obama making all those “logical” “points” up there.  Like voters want a president who’s smart and has good ideas!  Come on!  Have they learned nothing in the last eight years?  Voters want a guy who tells them it’s all good, even when it’s not:

Keep up the good work, team!

Tucker

Why can’t our dude look that black dude in the eye? He is totally giving us the stare-down

In Dear God John do not check to see if your wallet and cell phone are still safe on September 27, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Can we get that time machine back?

Because we have got to do something about this: (jedreport via huffington post)

I mean this is John Fucking McCain. Nobody knows about the Other like he does. GEEZ it’s not his fault reality just happened to turn out differently from what he predicted based on what he learned didn’t learn during his awesome 894/899 class rank record at the Naval Academy.

And fuck they’ve already got an ad out? How the fuck were we supposed to know to say “middle class”? It’s not like this country is in a financial crisis or anything that John “suspended” the campaign for and said he wouldn’t even show up for a debate unless a bailout recovery deal were done– oh wait, we don’t have a deal yet? Tucker, does that make John a liar or a capitulator? Which one polls better?  [NB: neither! just call him a hero repeatedly and count on people being stupid distracted– don’t you ever listen when i talk about message?  tb]

And what the fuck how did Obama get a remembrance bracelet too? I thought only John supported the troops. And where was John’s flag pin? Obama had one. FUCK WHERE ARE OUR FUCKING ACCESSORIES?

Debates make my awesomely domed head HURT. (But not as much as John’s strobe-light-flickering tie, which I’m told only did that on non-HD TVs, but hey that’s what those people get for being so poor and not supporting the economy: a seizure.)

-Steve

P.S. Who else laughed everytime they said “package”? Be honest.

P.P.S. Does anyone have any goddamn clue what John was talking about with the whole “South Koreans are 3 inches taller than North Koreans” bit?

P.P.P.S. Can we get Sarah on TV as a surrogate to talk as eloquetly, intelligently, and not retardedly as Joe Biden? OH WAIT SHE WAS HIDING AT THE DOUCHIEST BAR IN PHILADELPHIA DOUCHING IT UP WITH CORPORATE CABLE COMPANY DOUCHENOZZLES.

No One Watches Debates, Right? RIGHT? PLEASE, GOD?

In of course voters loooove to make sacrifices at the whim of old dudes who've been sniffing marker fumes on September 27, 2008 at 2:30 am

I know, I know.  It’s usually Steve’s job to lose it and sound desperate.  But Steve’s lost in a bottle of Tanqueray, and here I am actually worried that all of you have nay-sayed your way into a bankrupt campaign.  Ouch, sorry, I know that hurts right now.

Listen, first I said we shouldn’t run away from the debate like scarediecates just because poll numbers took a teensie little dip suspend the campaign.  I was right.  You all ignored me, obviously.  Thank God “suspending the campaign” meant continuing to run (negative) ads, do the interviews we liked, and attend meetings with famous people in DC just like normal.  I was worried I wouldn’t have an excuse for avoiding my mother’s phone calls.  So, no hard feelings about that one, guys.

But then I tried to talk you out of letting John write with a quill read the large print Reader’s Digest Condensed during network breaks use a magic marker for his large print notes during the debate, and once again you wouldn’t listen to the “young guy” in the campaign.

I’m telling you, I’m still not happy that your compromise was to use a Sharpie.  It looks like he’s blind.  Someone please get him a regular I-see-like-a-normal-presidential-candidate-sized pen up there.  Or at least tell him not to hold it above the podium.

Also, tell John to stop talking about the economy.  Also, health care.  And the environment.  And oil.  It’s not working.  They seem to think Obama has a plan to improve our nation in all of these areas.  Obviously we need to get back to OUR MESSAGE, which I’ve been trying to remind you is human interest stories and war hero reminiscences (also, maybe animal stories, if we can ever get this LOL-cat shit figured out).

For the love of God, take the Sharpie away from him, give him a cup of tea, and ask about the war!!!

Tucker

Brainstorm!

In feline focus, voter suppression on September 20, 2008 at 9:28 pm

Seriously how do we reach these cats? Obviously not this one, as he looks somewhat biracial or calico or whatever, but what about the others?

If we can’t get these votes how do we prevent Obama from getting them? Can we purge the voter records? We need ideas guys.

-Steve

Is Race Something Republicans Should Exploit?

In Racism on September 20, 2008 at 6:44 pm

According to Kanye West the Associated Press racism still alive they just be concealing it.

Which begs the question that I know we have been pondering for a looooonnnng time, with unparalleled thoughtfulness I might add:

Should we, as Republicans, go there?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

HAHAHA I couldn’t keep a straight a straight face either. It is genius though how we’ve mastered the racism-double-racism-double-dutch-reverse-racism routine which consists of

1) Make racist ad/claim/statement.

2) Wait for someone not affiliated with the Obama campaign to call a spade a spade, because we know the last thing they want to talk about is race.

3) Claim the Obama campaign is being “hysterical” (or “effete” or other words that only non-elitist country folk would use) and PLAYING THE RACE CARD

4) Have the Rick Santorum of the hour say something totally retarded like “we will not let them besmirch our virginal racial honor!”

5) Swear we are now “color blind … (racial)”.

6) Rinse, repeat.

PS I know the AP hates the First Amendment and believes in copyright laws that, ahem, don’t exist. But seriously, I’m STEVE FUCKING SCHMIDT. One step removed from KARL FUCKTASTIC ROVE. Sue me.

PPS And can I just say God I love that hack posing as a journalist Ron Fournier. You fucking tell the guy you don’t want him on your campaign and he’s still try to fellate us. It’s like that math nerd in middle school no matter how mean the girl was to him he still tries to follow her around.

-Steve Fucking Schmidt

I said REGROUP dammit, not GAFFE REPEATEDLY

In Palin on September 20, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Which one of you is responsible for having Sarah proposing the same ethical transparency overhaul that was already done by Barack Obama in one of his first acts as senator in an impressively bipartisan way?

I know one of fundamental strategies we have always employed as Republicans has been to take credit for the achievements of the other side, or even the achievements of those we don’t like very much on our side, and to simply hope the press and public are too ignorant to notice. And I do not disagree that this is a good tactic, particularly because, let’s face it, WE HAVE NOT ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING IN THE PAST 8 YEARS OTHER THAN LIBERATING IRAQ, which neither the Iraqi nor the American people seem to be overly appreciative of these day. In light of the current political climate, we (i’m looking your way TUCKER) should perhaps respond better than:

A campaign spokesperson insisted that Palin was referring not to that specific proposal, but rather to “that kind of transparency in general.”

Look morons, you can’t just add “in general” when you are caught in a lie. JOHNNY YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE COOKIES OUT OF THE COOKIE JAR BUT NOW ALL THE COOKIES ARE GONE, DID YOU LIE? NO MOMMY, I MEANT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT *SPECIFIC* COOKIE JAR, I MEANT I DIDNT TAKE THE COOKIES *IN GENERAL* BUT YES I DID TAKE THE COOKIES.

Do you see how this sounds retarded? Because it is. Sounding retarded somehow worked for GWB and the people loved him for that, but I guess now that people have lost all their jobs and savings and homes they find retardedness a little less funny and charming, and a little more, oh I don’t know, RETARDED.

-increasingly angry Steve

A New Beginning

In McCain, Palin on September 20, 2008 at 5:47 pm

Okay guys, here’s the deal.

Things are not going well. The Palin pick (Operation Flutie to Phelan) gave us a good bounce for a couple of days, but now Gallup has BHO back at 50%! This was, I guess, not unexpected, given that we have been running John as a reformer, deregulationist, and Washington outsid- whooo! it cracks me up even to type it. I cannot BELIEVE the press has gone along for at least this long–we have gotten some good mileage out of it, but the honeymoon is over. Perhaps the old man was right and we should’ve gone with Lieberman. Or really, let’s be honest, ANYONE BUT SARAH PALIN.

So what are we going to do now? Well, the first thing is we can have Johnny boy looking over our shoulders. You know how his temper is, and well, let’s just say I had a full head of hair before I started working for him. So we’re going to move all campaign strategy decisions to the interwebs (for obvious reasons, am I right?).

I guess it’s possible JSM will find us here eventually, but in the meantime, let’s regroup, right the ship, and beat those unpatriotic, baby-killing, economy-improving democRATS!

-Schmidtty