Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘Crisis’

Straight Talk, from the Straight Talk Express, for real for real

In This might be the most inspired move in the history of painfully obvious opportunistic political blunders on September 24, 2008 at 10:50 pm

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard that we’ve decided to hide suspend the campaign. Ostensibly it’s to deal with this super pressing financial crisis that John didn’t think was an issue until the polls told him it was was too busy to deal with while concentrating really hard on putting “Country First,” but I think we all know that it wasn’t John who pulled the plug but a certain American Idol’s #1 fan who is sick and tired of it all.  I think it’s important for all of us in the campaign to remember what makes us human, and obviously that is the sweet, sweet crooning of a dreamy and awkward 14 year-old-lookin half-Honduran kid.

But if you still want to try to “win” the election (good luck, have you seen the latest Marist polls?), I guess you can go to the talking points that Tucker is distributing–namely, that we have a totally fucked up financial crisis that’s going to wipe out humans like it did the dinosaurs, and we have a dangerously flawed bailout plan that Democrats and Republicans have come together to take a rare bipartisan dump on (but of course a certain awesome president named W loves), and you can just imagine all of Congress is waiting anxiously in Washington saying, oh no, what will we do, we need to be rescued, man I hope someone can help us magically fix this crisis created by 6 years of Republican economic policies … but wait! what is that you say, a certain Republican presidential candidate whose poll numbers just went south of Mexico and has been M.I.A. from his job in the Senate since APRIL is coming back to town! perhaps that guy, the same guy who admits to not knowing too much about the economy, who one WEEK ago said the fundamental of our economy were strong and now says we’re in the worst crisis since WWII, and who instead of choosing a VP to help with this important issue chose the world’s expert in making sure women get charged for rape exams that are free everywhere else, yes clearly because he hasn’t been here in Washington is the reason we’re still in this mess, and because nothing important has ever happened during a presidential campaign or debate before, and hey, maybe we shouldn’t just suspend the debates, we should suspend all the other stuff the country is doing, like let’s stop the goddamn Iraq war while we’re at it, just so we don’t have to walk and chew gum at the same time can give John McCain time to give his full and awesome attention to this thing mere mortals like all the other senators in Congress can’t handle, something John himself was a couple of months ago, if you can even count him as a Senator given that he is the #1 most absent member, which is probably not terribly surprising given how much of a shit show he was at the Naval Academy finishing 894 out of a class of 899, yeah that’s a swell idea but back here on the planet earth where that guy is actually someone whom everyone is telling to stay the fuck away from DC like they’ve got a fucking restraining order against him because he’s such the epitome of the opportunistic politician who will do anything or say anything to win maverick, yeah THAT’S the ONLY guy who can fix this and he HAS TO DO IT NOW SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY OF HIS FLEET OF 13 CARS.

Yeah just say that. It’ll totally work. People will eat it up.

And if anyone doesn’t buy it, just say “the surge.”

FTW.

-Steve

UPDATE: Looks like Dave didn’t get the memo

UPDATE 2: Yep, they’re eating it up hook, line, and sinker.

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Crisis: totally the fault of “minorities and risky folks”

In I could make a flowchart for you too if it would help on September 22, 2008 at 10:21 pm

Neil Cavuto, Fox News, from one real, non-effete man to another, I salute you. Could not have said it better myself:

When you and many of your colleagues were pushing for more minority lending and more expanded lending to folks who heretofore couldn’t get mortgages, when you were pushing homeownership … Are you totally without culpability here? Are you totally blameless? Are you totally irresponsible of anything that happened? … I’m just saying, I don’t remember a clarion call that said, “Fannie and Freddie are a disaster. Loaning to minorities and risky folks is a disaster.”

Allowing minorities to have home mortgages is clearly why we are in the mess we are in now. The logic in this is so sound I would insult your intelligence even to try to begin to think about how I would go about explaining it. Fight the good fight, Neil. Don’t let those Democrats even think about playing the race card on this. Being a minority has nothing to be a race, we all know that–it has to do with being able to drink legally, OR ARE YOU STUPID?

But let me try anyway: Minorities are bad people. Who cause financial disasters. Everywhere even when they are not there. Because they are magic.

Case in point, Sarah Palin’s Kenyan witchdoctor-pastor dude guy. Hmm … isn’t there some other black dude from Kenya we’ve been hearing about?

And let me ask you this, is it a coincidence that OSAMA BIN LADEN IS A MINORITY?!?!?!

-Steve

P.S. Now the liberals will also go on and on about how we’re blaming the victim (minorities) and not the perpetrator (wall street greed, republican-led deregulation, conservativism), consider this talking point:

losing your trillion-dollar-bonus-and-CEO-golden-parachute-funded yacht full of hookers

or some shitty-ass house?

TELL ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE WHO THE REAL VICTIM IS.

TELL ME THAT THIS PICTURE OF DICK FULD DOESN’T RIP YOUR HEART OUT.

UPDATE: I don’t think I need to point out that it’s blatantly unamerican to put the size of this bailout in terms an average person can understand. You can’t tell people this is going to cost MORE THAN ALL OF THE IRAQ WAR PUT TOGETHER.

They’re connecting the dots, Gentlemen

In I love ice cream on September 21, 2008 at 5:12 pm

We need to find a way to stop the press from using very sound and logical explanations for how we’re going to fuck the health care system in the same way we’ve fucked the financial system.

I’m thinking… have Sarah meet people who aren’t from America, Canada, or Mexico for THE FIRST TIME EVER.

(Not counting the time she didn’t go to Iraq or the time she didn’t go to Ireland.)

I like how it says it will give her a “taste of foreign policy” like we’re at fucking Baskin Robbins and she just needs one of those miniature spoons to keep our country safe.

-Steve