Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

Posts Tagged ‘McCain’

I wish she could be this articulate in real life

In But that would involve using real words and full sentences on October 6, 2008 at 1:36 pm

It’s the REEEEMIXXXXX…..

Also they finally caught on to the fact we are going to cut medicare and medicaid to pay for a shitty tax credit that won’t be nearly enough to offset everyone losing their employer based coverage.

And they caught on to the fake maverick thing. And the fake good airman with good judgment thing. And the fake Obama contributions scandal, when it’s actually the McCain campaign that has been acting shady.

And the fake we care about women thing.

And the Keating Five thing we’ve been hoping people would forget about.

Man he’s really playing offense isn’t he? Can’t we just have Gore and Kerry back?

-Steve

P.S. Gotta love quotes like these:

“As I said, I’m of two minds about this. I don’t want to give currency to this sewage, so it will remain below the fold. And I’ll try to devote the lion’s share of my time to the issues–the war, the economic crisis, the fraying health insurance system, the environment–that should define this campaign. But what a desperate empty embarrassment the McCain campaign has become.”

And headlines like “How McCain lost his brand: From maverick to crank in an instant

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The week that was, or now I’m just going through the motions

In It's not that I've run the worst campaign in history is it? on October 4, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Okay guys, let’s sum up the end of the week shall we?

Bigger flag pin? Check.

Discredited and utterly false “Obama thinks our troops are murderers” smear? Check.

Sarah continuing to be retarded and not realizing how fucked we are in like a million states other than Michigan? Check.

And we might have to pull out of Pennsylvania too because we’re losing so badly? Check.

National polls continuing to slide to Obama? Check.

The press blasting Sarah’s debate performance? Check.

Obama continuing to win states Mark Penn said only Hillary could win? Check.

Our surrogates continuing to get served by Rachel Maddow? Check.

Dave Letterman continuing the assault? Check.

Oh, and experience and judgment?

Sigh.

Double sigh.

-Steve

P.S.

P.P.S.

P.P.P.S.

God I can’t wait until November 5th when I don’t have to spin this shit anymore

In And I can get blitzed out of my mind on October 1, 2008 at 2:01 pm

You guys are not being very nice, fellow Republicans.

“Some Republicans say they are uncertain of McCain’s electoral strategy, wondering why, for example, he’s back in Iowa this week, a state few independent analysts see as being in play and where public polls this month show Obama enjoying a double-digit lead even before the economic meltdown. Asked why McCain was in Iowa, one veteran Republican there replied: ‘Because he’s running a senseless, non-strategic campaign. Why else would he come here?’”

Or you guys, US Military.

“When Russian bombers approach American airspace  and U.S. Air Force fighters are scrambled, Sarah Palin‘s phone doesn’t ring.The Alaska governor has no command authority over the guardians of U.S. airspace despite her recent suggestion otherwise.”

And Sarah? Still retarded. As ever.

She should you start using that answer for more interview questions. “Hey Sarah which countries should we invade?” “Oh, you know, um, gee… ALL OF THEM?”  Genius.

And John? Still angry. As ever.

And conservative nutjobs? Still as nutty as ever, even against their own.

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am a traitor and an idiot. Also, my mother should have aborted me and left me in a Dumpster, but since she didn’t, I should “off” myself.

Those are just a few nuggets randomly selected from thousands of e-mails written in response to my column suggesting that Sarah Palin is out of her league and should step down.

Who says public discourse hasn’t deteriorated?

Of course, there’s a difference between a lack of polish and a lack of coherence. Some of Palin’s interview responses can’t even be critiqued on their merits because they’re so nonsensical. “Let Sarah be Sarah” has become the latest rallying cry among my colleagues on the right. She’ll be fine if we just leave her alone, they say. Between prayers, I might add.

The picture is this: Anyone who dares express an opinion that runs counter to the party line will be silenced. That doesn’t sound American to me, but Stalin would approve. Readers have every right to reject my opinion. But when we decide that a person is a traitor and should die for having an opinion different than one’s own, then we cross into territory that puts all freedoms at risk. (I hear you, Dixie Chicks.)”

So what should we do? The surge. I mean, SUSPEND THE CAMPAIGN.

AGAIN.

But at least Tom Brokaw is still spreading fale information is still on our side. Thank god for that. Not so much the polls though (538 breaks it down brilliantly as usual), no matter how hard we try to spin itOr women (details here, including the fact that Obama is now at the 50% threshold in the Time poll, which no Democrat has done since before Reagan).

What does it mean? A right-wing blogosphere civil war? The end of the Republican brand? Only time will tell. But in the mean time, LET’S PAY SOME FRAT DUDES TO PROTEST THE VP DEBATE LIKE IT’S THEIR JOB.

UPDATE: And the amazing quotes keep coming in:

“Obviously in a McCain administration she will not have much of a role in foreign policy.”

Republicans see stunning “lack of competence” in McCain campaign

-Steve

DANGER! Be Afraid!

In At least if the country's economy collapses the pentacostals will vote for us on September 30, 2008 at 7:23 pm

The “Economic Crisis” is taking over as THE issue of the campaign.  I’m happy to say that my political career getting this dude elected has taught me a thing or two about fear-mongering (oops!) leadership in the face of exaggerated threats danger.

Here’s what our campaign has learned from the great promoter of democratic ideals who paved the way for our current leader’s victory:

1. John should say there is no economic crisis whenever possible (as he did last Tuesday).  For many in this country, there is no economic crisis.  Get it?  People are in shock/denial or are uninformed– for whichever reason, there are MANY people who do not believe there is an economic crisis.  To those people John is the most level-headed candidate ever!  Those people will vote for John because he’s come closest to saying what they want to hear.

2. Everyone else (that’s you!) should say there is a huge, scary economic crisis.  We know that the remaining voters need to be scared of something to increase their patriotism/sacrifice/ability to be controlled.  The above-mentioned group of voters will like John all the more because everyone else is trying to rain on their parade.  The rest of the voters will be scared witless.  They will want someone, anyone to tell them what to do.

The economic crisis is the new war on terrorism.  This crisis is the monster in the dark that John knows how to tame.  Calm down, Steve, no one actually has to tame any monsters, you can come out from under the bed.  All John has to do after that is tell people over and over and over again that he knows what to do, even though he has no fucking idea what to actually do.  The people who are scared just want someone to tell them it is going to be okay.

It’s beautiful!  It’s the only strategy we need!

Of course, we still want to have a wedding and lots of folksy sayings to make people like us, too.  Lots of smiling in the face of fear is just one more way to accomplish that.  (Well, not John smiling, that’s creepy.  Just everyone else smiling because John and Sarah are so fun and reassuring!)  Come to think of it, there might even be more opportunity for war stories here.  We need to exploit that!  (John can never tell too many war stories.)

Tucker

P.S. Steve, I need to talk to you about my retirement options.  Were we with AIG?  You promised me that if I joined this campaign I’d be eligible for one of the tax breaks.  I assumed that meant that I’d be earning over $250,000.00/yr.  Don’t hang me out to dry here just because the economy’s tanked.

P.P.S.  Steve, the note that you just sent me referring to some vague details of a retirement plan backed by some fantastical bailout deal that is never going to make it through is NOT reassuring.  Don’t play politics with me.  I’m on the inside– I want my money!!

Palin makes the case for President Pal- err… President Obam- er… wait, me confused

In Or how Sarah met her retarded quota for the day on September 30, 2008 at 7:19 pm

Continuing her fucking amazing streak of brilliant quotes:

“Oh no, it’s nothing negative at all. He’s got a lot of experience and just stating the fact there, that we’ve been hearing his speeches for all these years. So he’s got a tremendous amount of experience and, you know, I’m the new energy, the new face, the new ideas and he’s got the experience based on many many years in the Senate and voters are gonna have a choice there of what it is that they want in these next four years. “

Does she realize she might be describing someone other than Joe Biden? Or are two thoughts at the same time too much to handle?

At least that takes some attention away from the now daily universal press whoopings, leaked stories of internal panic, debunks of our lies, and recent developments in the corruption trial.

AND FUCK THE BOSS AND THE PIANOMAN? THROW IN BON FUCKING JOVI AND THAT IS LIKE SOME REAL JERSEY SHIT FOR REALS.

-Steve

P.S. But wait maybe there’s hope! Fair and balanced Fox News focus group in PA shows a “split”!!!

But it’s one of those “splits” where everyone raises their hands for Obama, weirdly. (I like the guy who tries to vote McCain but his wife doesn’t let him, realizing HE MUST BE MAKING A MISTAKE OR BE COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS MIND.

P.P.S. Man we really fucked up hyping John’s part in this huge success debacle, right before it ALL WENT TO HELL, HUH?

More jokes, more keywords, more weddings!

In saying something that's untrue to make things sound better than they are is just called campaigning, Uncategorized on September 29, 2008 at 8:43 pm

Message memo

Dear Team Straight Talk,

I have received a number of irate phone calls concerned inquiries re: press reports of private conversations calling Sarah’s Couric interview a “disaster.”  Don’t worry!  Sarah’s special recipe is still down home accent + confident eye contact + smattering of keywords.  She’s got her message down, you work on yours. 

In addition, a number of you asked about how to respond to the continued dip in the public poll numbers.  Again, talking about “numbers” is not the job of this campaign.  We are here to give the voters what they want.  We know what that is!  It’s a war hero/non-threatening female figure combo who talk about success abroad, success in the economy, success at home, etc. without troubling voters with details!

Your job, dear campaign staff, is to give the people what they want:

  • They want laughs?  Write more lipstick jokes!  And Steve, stop acting like SNL is hurting us. Humor is the untapped oil well of this campaign.  I say DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE! 
  • They want to feel good about the bad stuff that’s happening?  Throw around the keywords without actually saying anything! 
  • They want more unrelated anecdotes about the good ol’ days? 

John will tell them some stories about the olden days!

  • What’s that?  They want more than that?  They want the best feel-good moment of the entire campaign?  Give them something every true American loves… a big shotgun family wedding!!!

We are going to win this campaign with war stories and folksy sayings, not policy and principles!

Did you catch Obama making all those “logical” “points” up there.  Like voters want a president who’s smart and has good ideas!  Come on!  Have they learned nothing in the last eight years?  Voters want a guy who tells them it’s all good, even when it’s not:

Keep up the good work, team!

Tucker

We totally would’ve said John McCain’s leadership singlehandedly saved the bailout bill if only, you know, his own Republican peers he was supposed to lead hadn’t killed it

In You didn't actually think John McCain had an intention of saving this did you? on September 29, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Market: FUCKED

Bailout: FUCKED

Excuse from Republicans: OH WE WERE ALL SET TO DO THIS IMPORTANT THING FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY IN THIS AWESOMELY BIPARTISAN WAY WHICH WAS OF COURSE INITIATED BY THE INCREDIBLE LEADERSHIP OF JOHN MCCAIN WHO TOTALLY FAKE SUSPENDED HIS CAMPAIGN TO GET THIS DEAL DONE BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO “PHONE IT IN” BUT HE TOTALLY DID PHONE IT IN ACTUALLY EVEN JOE LIEBERMAN SAYS SO AND TRIED ALL MORNING TO CLAIM CREDIT FOR THE “SUCCESS” BUT THEN NANCY PELOSI MADE SOME “SPEECH” NO SERIOUSLY SHE USED WORDS FOR REAL LIKE STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES STUFF BUT ANYWAY THAT HURT OUR FEELINGS OR SOMETHING SO NOW WE’RE TOTALLY GOING TO HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THE COUNTRY AND WE’RE TOTALLY GOING TO BLAME THE DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH THEY GOT A MAJORITY OF THEIR MEMBERS TO VOTE YES AND WE COULDN’T GET CLOSE TO THAT BUT SERIOUSLY ITS NOT OUR FAULT ITS THE DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THEY KILLED IT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THE REPUBLICANS WHO WOULDN’T GROW A PAIR DONT THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY DONT YOU GET IT YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME PRETTY PLEASE?

Ambinder (and Frank) calls it like it is. (Jay Carney at Time does too.)

Listen guys, if we could make shit up like the old days and get the public to buy it hook line and sinker, people wouldn’t think Sarah is a retard right now. So I have only this to say to you:

Deal with it. And stop trying to find a scapegoat (well besides Sarah). It’s not working

-Steve

P.S. Oh and remember when some guy named Steve said this:

“What Senator McCain was able to do was to help bring all of the parties to the table, including the House Republicans, whose votes were needed to pass this”

P.P.S. Here is the full text of Pelosi’s speech. Man it’s so mean! I mean, just look at it! Wouldn’t you fuck the country over just to show Nancy Pelosi she can’t say nasty words like “recklessness”? I MEAN COME ON!

“[700 billion] is a number that is staggering, but tells us only the costs of the Bush Administration’s failed economic policies—policies built on budgetary recklessness, on an anything goes mentality, with no regulation, no supervision, and no discipline in the system.

Democrats believe in the free market, which can and does create jobs, wealth, and capital, but left to its own devices it has created chaos.

That chaos is the dismal picture painted by Treasury Secretary Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke a week and a half ago in the Capitol.

As they pointed out, we confront a crisis of historic magnitude that has the ability to do serious injury not simply to our economy, but to the American people: not just to Wall Street, but to everyday Americans on Main Street.

It is our responsibility today, to help avert that catastrophic outcome.

Let us be clear: This is a crisis caused on Wall Street.  But it is a crisis that reaches to Main Street in every city and town of the United States.

It is a crisis that freezes credit, causes families to lose their homes, cripples small businesses, and makes it harder to find jobs.

It is a crisis that never had to happen.  It is now the duty of every Member of this body to recognize that the failure to act responsibly, with full protections for the American taxpayer, would compound the damage already done to the financial security of millions of American families.

Over the past several days, we have worked with our Republican colleagues to fashion an alternative to the original plan of the Bush Administration.

I must recognize the outstanding leadership provided by Chairman Barney Frank, whose enormous intellectual and strategic abilities have never before been so urgently needed, or so widely admired.

I also want to recognize Rahm Emanuel, who combined his deep knowledge of financial institutions with his pragmatic policy experience, to resolve key disagreements.

Secretary Paulson deserves credit for working day and night to help reach an agreement and for his flexibility in negotiating changes to his original proposal.

Democrats insisted that legislation responding to this crisis must protect the American people and Main Street from the meltdown on Wall Street.

The American people did not decide to dangerously weaken our regulatory and oversight policies.  They did not make unwise and risky financial deals.  They did not jeopardize the economic security of the nation.  And they must not pay the cost of this emergency recovery and stabilization bill.

So we insisted that this bill contain several key provisions:

This legislation must contain independent and ongoing oversight to ensure that the recovery program is managed with full transparency and strict accountability.

The legislation must do everything possible to allow as many people to stay in their homes rather than face foreclosure.

The corporate CEOs whose companies will benefit from the public’s participation in this recovery must not benefit by exorbitant salaries and golden parachute retirement bonuses.

Our message to Wall Street is this: the party is over.  The era of golden parachutes for high-flying Wall Street operators is over.  No longer will the U.S. taxpayer bailout the recklessness of Wall Street.

The taxpayers who bear the risk in this recovery must share in the upside as the economy recovers.

And should this program not pay for itself, the financial institutions that benefited, not the taxpayers, must bear responsibility for making up the difference.

These were the Democratic demands to safeguard the American taxpayer, to help the economy recover, and to impose tough accountability as a central component of this recovery effort.

This legislation is not the end of congressional activity on this crisis.  Over the course of the next few weeks, we will continue to hold investigative and oversight hearings to find out how the crisis developed, where mistakes were made, and how the recovery must be managed to protect the middle class and the American taxpayer.

With passage of this legislation today, we can begin the difficult job of turning our economy around, of helping those who depend on a growing economy and stable financial institutions for a secure retirement, for the education of their children, for jobs and small business credit.

Today we must act for those Americans, for Main Street, and we must act now, with the bipartisan spirit of cooperation which allowed us to fashion this legislation.

This not enough.  We are also working to restore our nation’s economic strength by passing a new economic recovery stimulus package—a robust, job creating bill—that will help Americans struggling with high prices, get our economy back on track, and renew the American Dream.

Today, we will act to avert this crisis, but informed by our experience of the past eight years with the failed economic leadership that has left us left capable of meeting the challenges of the future.

We choose a different path.  In the new year, with a new Congress and a new president, we will break free with a failed past and take America in a New Direction to a better future.”

Good thing it’s the weekend. Is this god-forsaken campaign over yet?

In I just want to go back to sleep but not in the same way John loves sleeping on September 28, 2008 at 4:46 pm

A weekend update! Things are going better for us, because it’s the weekend! No one cares about the weekend. Sure the campaign continues to go down the shitter, but hey, if anyone asks, just say “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!??”

Sarah and John? On the same page as always. Also known as SURE WE CAN GO IN TO PAKISTAN AS LONG AS WE DON’T ANNOUNCE IT FOR REAL LIKE ON A TALK SHOW BUT ITS TOTALLY OKAY FOR THE VP WANNABE TO ANNOUNCE IT OUTSIDE OF SOME CHEESESTEAK PLACE IN PHILLY

It’s too bad those press people are, you know, paying attention.

And those back and forth pooping, forever trade missions that Sarah touted she had gone on in her interview with Katie Couric? Don’t seem to exist.

As you might notice, Palin only cites one discernible foreign interaction under her purview: Trade missions.

I spent some time on the Governor’s Web site seeking more details about her trade negotiations with Russia. There’s a press release about Gov. Palin’s meeting with a trade mission from the Yukon, but nothing about Russia anywhere in the archives. Tony Knowles, a Democrat who was governor from 1994-2002, led a trade mission — back in 1997, while Palin was running Wasilla — to the remote island of Sakhalin, off the coast of Siberia. That seems to be about it for Russia-Alaska trade missions lately.

Yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. Was there anyone who didn’t see that one coming a million Alaskan miles away?

And hey did anyone catch the new Tina Fey sketch? God she is hilarious. Can we just get Tina Fey to replace Sarah? I mean BONO THE KING OF IRELAND is way less damaging than pretty much EVERYTHING the barracuda has said. PHONE A MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND, SARAH, PHONE A MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.

John McCain Center For Korean Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too Like Grow Three Inches

In Orange Mocha Frappuccino! on September 27, 2008 at 2:48 pm

“The average South Koreans is three inches taller than the average North Korean.” – John McCain

“What is this, a (North Korean) center for ants? How can we be expected to teach (South Korean) children to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building? The center has to be at least… three times inches bigger than this!” – Derek Zoolander

Why can’t our dude look that black dude in the eye? He is totally giving us the stare-down

In Dear God John do not check to see if your wallet and cell phone are still safe on September 27, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Can we get that time machine back?

Because we have got to do something about this: (jedreport via huffington post)

I mean this is John Fucking McCain. Nobody knows about the Other like he does. GEEZ it’s not his fault reality just happened to turn out differently from what he predicted based on what he learned didn’t learn during his awesome 894/899 class rank record at the Naval Academy.

And fuck they’ve already got an ad out? How the fuck were we supposed to know to say “middle class”? It’s not like this country is in a financial crisis or anything that John “suspended” the campaign for and said he wouldn’t even show up for a debate unless a bailout recovery deal were done– oh wait, we don’t have a deal yet? Tucker, does that make John a liar or a capitulator? Which one polls better?  [NB: neither! just call him a hero repeatedly and count on people being stupid distracted– don’t you ever listen when i talk about message?  tb]

And what the fuck how did Obama get a remembrance bracelet too? I thought only John supported the troops. And where was John’s flag pin? Obama had one. FUCK WHERE ARE OUR FUCKING ACCESSORIES?

Debates make my awesomely domed head HURT. (But not as much as John’s strobe-light-flickering tie, which I’m told only did that on non-HD TVs, but hey that’s what those people get for being so poor and not supporting the economy: a seizure.)

-Steve

P.S. Who else laughed everytime they said “package”? Be honest.

P.P.S. Does anyone have any goddamn clue what John was talking about with the whole “South Koreans are 3 inches taller than North Koreans” bit?

P.P.P.S. Can we get Sarah on TV as a surrogate to talk as eloquetly, intelligently, and not retardedly as Joe Biden? OH WAIT SHE WAS HIDING AT THE DOUCHIEST BAR IN PHILADELPHIA DOUCHING IT UP WITH CORPORATE CABLE COMPANY DOUCHENOZZLES.