Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

More jokes, more keywords, more weddings!

In saying something that's untrue to make things sound better than they are is just called campaigning, Uncategorized on September 29, 2008 at 8:43 pm

Message memo

Dear Team Straight Talk,

I have received a number of irate phone calls concerned inquiries re: press reports of private conversations calling Sarah’s Couric interview a “disaster.”  Don’t worry!  Sarah’s special recipe is still down home accent + confident eye contact + smattering of keywords.  She’s got her message down, you work on yours. 

In addition, a number of you asked about how to respond to the continued dip in the public poll numbers.  Again, talking about “numbers” is not the job of this campaign.  We are here to give the voters what they want.  We know what that is!  It’s a war hero/non-threatening female figure combo who talk about success abroad, success in the economy, success at home, etc. without troubling voters with details!

Your job, dear campaign staff, is to give the people what they want:

  • They want laughs?  Write more lipstick jokes!  And Steve, stop acting like SNL is hurting us. Humor is the untapped oil well of this campaign.  I say DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE, DRILL MORE! 
  • They want to feel good about the bad stuff that’s happening?  Throw around the keywords without actually saying anything! 
  • They want more unrelated anecdotes about the good ol’ days? 

John will tell them some stories about the olden days!

  • What’s that?  They want more than that?  They want the best feel-good moment of the entire campaign?  Give them something every true American loves… a big shotgun family wedding!!!

We are going to win this campaign with war stories and folksy sayings, not policy and principles!

Did you catch Obama making all those “logical” “points” up there.  Like voters want a president who’s smart and has good ideas!  Come on!  Have they learned nothing in the last eight years?  Voters want a guy who tells them it’s all good, even when it’s not:

Keep up the good work, team!

Tucker

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