Fake Steve Schmidt and Friends

No One Watches Debates, Right? RIGHT? PLEASE, GOD?

In of course voters loooove to make sacrifices at the whim of old dudes who've been sniffing marker fumes on September 27, 2008 at 2:30 am

I know, I know.  It’s usually Steve’s job to lose it and sound desperate.  But Steve’s lost in a bottle of Tanqueray, and here I am actually worried that all of you have nay-sayed your way into a bankrupt campaign.  Ouch, sorry, I know that hurts right now.

Listen, first I said we shouldn’t run away from the debate like scarediecates just because poll numbers took a teensie little dip suspend the campaign.  I was right.  You all ignored me, obviously.  Thank God “suspending the campaign” meant continuing to run (negative) ads, do the interviews we liked, and attend meetings with famous people in DC just like normal.  I was worried I wouldn’t have an excuse for avoiding my mother’s phone calls.  So, no hard feelings about that one, guys.

But then I tried to talk you out of letting John write with a quill read the large print Reader’s Digest Condensed during network breaks use a magic marker for his large print notes during the debate, and once again you wouldn’t listen to the “young guy” in the campaign.

I’m telling you, I’m still not happy that your compromise was to use a Sharpie.  It looks like he’s blind.  Someone please get him a regular I-see-like-a-normal-presidential-candidate-sized pen up there.  Or at least tell him not to hold it above the podium.

Also, tell John to stop talking about the economy.  Also, health care.  And the environment.  And oil.  It’s not working.  They seem to think Obama has a plan to improve our nation in all of these areas.  Obviously we need to get back to OUR MESSAGE, which I’ve been trying to remind you is human interest stories and war hero reminiscences (also, maybe animal stories, if we can ever get this LOL-cat shit figured out).

For the love of God, take the Sharpie away from him, give him a cup of tea, and ask about the war!!!

Tucker

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